Finding my path in life: Following excitement instead of expectations

This morning I woke up with excitement in my stomach. I knew the feeling inside me was guiding me somewhere better than where I’ve taken myself so far.

I’m interested in several subjects, some of them completely on opposite sides of the spectrum. I don’t want to get into the details in this post. What I want to say is that I know, intuitively, they are taking me somewhere that fits who I really am.

One more thing about this excitement: it shows me where I should go. It works like a northern star for me. When I feel excitement doing something, it means this is where I should go, or what I’m meant to do.

When I was 18, I was hypnotised by my family, my classmates, and my social environment. On those days I was painting, I could imagine the scenes from the books I was reading so vividly that I felt like I was living inside them and they became part of my story. I was drawn to colors and forms and I loved the idea of becoming an architect.

But instead, I became a mathematician and physicist, even though math was the subject I performed the worst in college. Art came first, then literature, then biology and math was last. It sounds like such a bad decision, right? Well, I was young, unformed, so hypnotised with no strong idea of myself. So my surroundings made the decision for me.

I spent almost nine years at university, getting one degree after another in math and pure science. Well, I learned many interesting things, but only a small part of what I studied was what I enjoyed learning. The rest was driven by the need to find a job and make money.

At the time, I thought this was the way everyone did it. I thought I would get used to it because everyone else seemed to. Well… that wasn’t true.

I graduated and then I worked in that field for about 12 years. Eventually, I broke. I couldn’t continue anymore. My longing for art and literature was tearing me from the inside.

Sitting at my desk, working with numbers and formulas, profit predictions and loss prevention, following orders from a manager who saw me as a resource that would yield more by squeezing, I felt like I was getting crushed. I felt dead inside, and the world became gray. I knew that if I kept going like this, I wouldn’t survive.

Flash back, before reaching that point, I had similar but less intense episodes. If those felt like hammer hits, this last one came like a bulldozer. I blacked out.

Now I ask myself: is this just me, or does it apply to others too? I don’t know. I’ve only lived my own life. But I feel that when you’re meant to do something, it becomes easier to do. And when you’re not, it feels heavy. Probably, the unnecessary hardship is the way that the world uses to show humans where they should go. However, if you insist on doing what isn’t right for you, it won’t stop you. You can continue. But you will pay for it with your years of lost time and energy. And I paid for it. Now I know.

But is it too late? Well, if I think wisely about it, it is not. If I live an average lifespan, I still have decades ahead of me. Besides, if I do what I love and keep this excitement alive, I can continue as long as I have the physical and mental ability.

I found this alternative far more alive than doing a job that slowly takes my life away from me every day, and if any life would remain for me at 65 years old, release me with thousands of other energy depleted retirees that have no clear plan for their days.

Is what I’m saying sad… or is it exciting?

I can’t explain it logically, but I can tell that I have butterflies in my stomach as I write this.

I imagine a life where I can bring my best to what I do and enjoy every hour I spend on it. Even if I earn less, it’s fine. At least, when the time comes for me to go, I can say to myself: you did it, girl!